Having a Bad Day

[tamsalter]

I thought I would start a thread where we could post the weird and wonderful things that happen in life. If you see any interesting snippets of light hearted news anywhere, then this will be the place to post it.

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

[tamsalter]

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, 2 of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

[tamsalter]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

[tamsalter]

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all 2000 pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

[tamsalter]

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits

[Dyka]

You made me sad. =(

[Blackfox]

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward ...


They should make him a full-time sweeper since he's so punctual. ._.

[fylth]

They should make him a full-time sweeper since he's so punctual. ._.
Actually, he should be given the post of a euthanasiast or whatever these people who performs euthanasia although the methods this particular part-time cleaner employs isn't neccessarily/guaranteed to be painless. XD

[OldiesLover]

My having a bad day story is a two-part story, and 100% true because it happened to my younger brother.

Part One is sorta my fault. As kids, my younger brother and I never got along. I always found him a lil pain-in-the-ass (You'll understand this more in a moment.) and didn't want him around, which of course, since he could never get enough attention with his clowning around, he always wanted to be around.

Hence, my parents put us in two different bedrooms and told him to stay outa my room. This worked Ok until one day as I was in my room doing something, he ran into my room and jumped up on my back with his arms around my throat.

I quickly reached down and grabbed his legs into piggy-back position and figured I would run backwards and slam him into the wall. What I had forgotten about was my closet door, halfway open.

As we crashed into the door, it closed shut. When we hit... I let go of his legs and he released his grip from the impact. Immediately, he slid down the door right on top of the doorknob, which of course, went right up his butthole.

Yes, he was impaled up his ass with my closet doorknob... a glorious sight. Unfortunately, I had to have mercy on him once his blood started gettin' all over my floor.

After he got home from the hospital with over 50 stitches up his ass... I got my punishment. But it was worth it.

Part Two... he did this to himself. Years later, he was working as a carpet installer in a house being remodeled. One morning bright and early, he carried a large cup of coffee into the house and decided to take a big dump before startin' work... in a bathroom in the process of bein' cleaned. What he didn't know was that the toilet bowl was full of pure acid while tryin' to get rid of stains.

Just as he made his dump, the acid splashed right up his asshole... big time.

His coffee flew everywhere as he ripped the bathroom door off its hingles. With him yelling in pain, it took a while for the 6 or 7 workers to figure out exactly what had happened. Once they did, they decided to take him out on the front lawn (In front of all sorts of traffic driving by) and give him an enema with a garden hose.

It took two weeks before he could walk and six months before he could take a dump without severe pain in his asshole.

Yes, he has had a couple really bad days in his life.
:evillaugh:

[tamsalter]

My having a bad day story is a two-part story, and 100% true because it happened to my younger brother.

Part One is sorta my fault. As kids, my younger brother and I never got along. I always found him a lil pain-in-the-ass (You'll understand this more in a moment.) and didn't want him around, which of course, since he could never get enough attention with his clowning around, he always wanted to be around.

Hence, my parents put us in two different bedrooms and told him to stay outa my room. This worked Ok until one day as I was in my room doing something, he ran into my room and jumped up on my back with his arms around my throat.

I quickly reached down and grabbed his legs into piggy-back position and figured I would run backwards and slam him into the wall. What I had forgotten about was my closet door, halfway open.

As we crashed into the door, it closed shut. When we hit... I let go of his legs and he released his grip from the impact. Immediately, he slid down the door right on top of the doorknob, which of course, went right up his butthole.

Yes, he was impaled up his ass with my closet doorknob... a glorious sight. Unfortunately, I had to have mercy on him once his blood started gettin' all over my floor.

After he got home from the hospital with over 50 stitches up his ass... I got my punishment. But it was worth it.

Part Two... he did this to himself. Years later, he was working as a carpet installer in a house being remodeled. One morning bright and early, he carried a large cup of coffee into the house and decided to take a big dump before startin' work... in a bathroom in the process of bein' cleaned. What he didn't know was that the toilet bowl was full of pure acid while tryin' to get rid of stains.

Just as he made his dump, the acid splashed right up his asshole... big time.

His coffee flew everywhere as he ripped the bathroom door off its hingles. With him yelling in pain, it took a while for the 6 or 7 workers to figure out exactly what had happened. Once they did, they decided to take him out on the front lawn (In front of all sorts of traffic driving by) and give him an enema with a garden hose.

It took two weeks before he could walk and six months before he could take a dump without severe pain in his asshole.

Yes, he has had a couple really bad days in his life.
:evillaugh:


I can see why he is alway's a pain in the ass. Pure brilliance that Oldies


:evillaugh::evillaugh::evillaugh::evillaugh:

[Blackfox]

Yes, he has had a couple really bad days in his life.
:evillaugh:


Yo, Oldies, I'm sure you mean he has had a couple of really butt days in his life. :evillaugh::evillaugh::evillaugh:


Now that we know your brother is Buttman, do you mind showing us some pics of his Buttmobile? Maybe, also tell us how he met Robin. I would really like to know the story of Buttman and Robin. :evillaugh:

[OldiesLover]

Yo, Oldies, I'm sure you mean he has had a couple of really butt days in his life. :evillaugh::evillaugh::evillaugh:


Now that we know your brother is Buttman, do you mind showing us some pics of his Buttmobile? Maybe, also tell us how he met Robin. I would really like to know the story of Buttman and Robin. :evillaugh:

Ok blackfox, just for you... since ya asked fur it.
:cry:

Buttman, although I have always called him, Doorknob... did have a Robin. Robin was this lil Mexican guy who was his carpet installing helper.

One day, these two Pillars of IQ, were working in this office tower installin carpet on the 14th floor, or there abouts. The two of them were moving a huge roll of new carpeting, when they lost control of it and it flew out of an office window.

Well, guess what happened to be directly below the window? Their work truck!
:wait:

The photo below is not a picture of their truck, but it does represent the result pretty close...
:omg:

Oh yes, Buttman and Robin. However, I called them Doorknob and Dumbell. And this is just one lil story of their misadventures.
:cry:

P.S. And yes, don't ask... I loaned him the money ta buy that fuckin' work truck. I've still never been paid back, and this happened in 1987!
:pissed:

[Blackfox]

Buttman, although I have always called him, Doorknob... did have a Robin. Robin was this lil Mexican guy who was his carpet installing helper.

One day, these two Pillars of IQ, were working in this office tower installin carpet on the 14th floor, or there abouts. The two of them were moving a huge roll of new carpeting, when they lost control of it and it flew out of an office window.

Well, guess what happened to be directly below the window? Their work truck!
:wait:

The photo below is not a picture of their truck, but it does represent the result pretty close...
:omg:

Oh yes, Buttman and Robin. However, I called them Doorknob and Dumbell. And this is just one lil story of their misadventures.
:cry:

P.S. And yes, don't ask... I loaned him the money ta buy that fuckin' work truck. I've still never been paid back, and this happened in 1987!
:pissed:


Look on the bright side, you can write a book on The Misadventures of Doorknob and Dumbbell and probably also start a comic strip on these two. :evillaugh:

Or perhaps, a TV show The M-Files starring Buttman Doorknob and Robin Dumbbell.

PS ~ M stands for Murphy.

[siewaun]

Anticipating that he'll be in for a long wait at the hospital waiting room, the guy brought along the previous day's newspaper. Four hours later, he finished reading in, and put it on the seat next to him. One of the three teenagers sitting opposite, who had been complaining about the long wait, came over and borrowed the paper from the guy. She took it over to her friends, checked the date, then blurted out loudly,"That man's been here since yesterday!".

[tamsalter]

A drunk driver was arrested in Germany after he accidentally rang the police instead of a breakdown service when he had a flat tyre.

Before he realised who he was speaking to, the 31-year-old let it slip that he had no licence and was driving under the influence.

The civil servant, who lost his licence eight years ago, had a blow out in the western town of Monheim while driving a car borrowed from a friend.

He had a blood alcohol level that was seven times the legal limit, and when he tried to call the German equivalent of the AA he became confused and dialled the emergency number for the police.

The drunken man phoned and said: "My car is broken and I need you to come and fix it. You better be quick because I'm really pretty drunk and I don't have a licence so it wouldn't be good if the cops drove past."

A Monheim police spokesman said: "He wanted us to come quickly, so we did."

[siewaun]

Check-out some of the nicknames given to female Prime Ministers of different countries:

As we all already knew, former British female Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was given the nickname "Iron Lady", there is one other nickname some might not yet know, she was also nicknamed, "Attila the Hen".

Former Israel female Prime Minister Golda Meir was called, "the only man in the Cabinet".

Former Indian female Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was nicknamed, "the old witch" by former American President Richard Nixon.

Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel is nicknamed, "The Iron Frau".

[OldiesLover]

At a Union Bridge, Md., high school, Tawana Hammond, had her attorney theaten a law suit with the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender, if she was not allowed to try out for the school's football team.

They asked her what position she wanted ta play, she said, "Runnin' Back." On her first scrimmage, Tawana was gang tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

She filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.

*****************************************************************

Here is some ACTUAL courtroom transcript where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.

Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And then you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear(?).

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then. If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously must have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?

Witness: Yes, correct.

Attorney: Well then, did you see the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Then how do know for positive that the defendent bit off the ear of the plaintiff, if you did not see him do it? Tell us, how is this humanly possible?

Witness: I saw him spit it out.

Attorney: No more questions.

[Domino735]

The start of a REALLY bad day....

[OldiesLover]

Dwight Smith a Manager for The American Bank in Annandale, Va., unlocked his front doors one mornin' as usual. However, he did not realize that two large armed men who had cased out the bank for a couple days, had been waiting for him to open the doors.

Unknown to the armed men, the doors always re-locked automatically behind Smith.

They ran full speed across the parking lot and hit the doors in full stride.

Both men bounced off the doors and staggered back to their car in semi-conscious conditions. They have not been captured.

[tamsalter]

A New Zealand woman who sent a naked man to the wrong house on the promise of a good time has been charged with misusing a telephone, local media reported on Wednesday.

The 17-year-old woman sent the man an enticing text message offering him an early Christmas present in the shape of two friendly women and suggested he take off his clothes to save time, the Manawatu Standard reported.

The 31-year old man wasted no time in arriving at the house, and took off his clothes and threw them through the window before entering.

But it was the wrong house and the householder did not see the funny side. The police were called and the man arrested for being unlawfully on a property.

The woman, who sent the tempting but deliberately wayward message, was also tracked down and charged for misusing a phone.

Both the man and the woman escaped prosecution and were cautioned and put on good behaviour bonds.

[OldiesLover]

This could ruin more than just one day!
:evillaugh: