View Full Version : Funniest Adult Jokes - V. 4....
06-17-2010, 06:57 AM
Everyone loves a mule....:evillaugh:
A farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. Farmers from all over the county turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a friend: "This woman must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their fields to come to her funeral."
"They're not here for the funeral," the friend said: "They're here to buy the mule."
06-19-2010, 04:07 AM
Always ask about the photo....:ban:
A man picks up a woman at a bar for a one-night stand. They go back to her place and proceed to have sex. After they finish, the man kisses the woman and says: "I'd love to stay, but I bet your husband will be coming home any time now."
"Husband?" the lady asks: "What makes you think I have a husband?"
The man says: "I couldn't help but notice the picture of that man on your nightstand."
The lady laughs and replies: "Oh, don't be silly. That's just me before the surgery.”
06-21-2010, 03:39 PM
Take the pharmacist's advice....:exhausted:
Mr. Johnson has been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggests they take a cruise. "We could go somewhere for a week and make wild love like we did when we were young!" she says.
The old fella thinks it over and agrees. He puts on his hat and goes to the pharmacy, where he buys a bottle of seasickness pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife says: "I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month."
So, Mr. Johnson walks back to the pharmacy and asks for 12 bottles of seasickness pills and a box of condoms. When he returns, his wife says: "You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he goes again, where he takes 297 bottles of seasickness pills and three boxes of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally has to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, you've been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you keep doing it?"
07-12-2010, 02:02 PM
A tough lie....:ban:
A golfer hit his ball off the tee into a deep thicket. When he found his ball, he decided to try and hit it out using his 8-iron. He took several swings at it but couldn't dislodge it from the growth. Dejected and looking around, he noticed a shiny object nearby.
He went over to see what it was and noticed an 8-iron attached to a human skeleton. Noticing his partner standing nearby with the cart and golf clubs he yelled out: "Better throw me a wedge, you can't get outta here with an 8-iron."
07-20-2010, 03:17 PM
It's all black and white....:ban:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispers to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explains, trying to keep it simple.
The child thinks about this for a moment, then says: "So why's the groom wearing black?"
07-22-2010, 11:07 PM
The unknown flavor....:evillaugh:
A man who worked for Lifesavers was testing a new Lifesaver flavor on a fifth-grade class. Using a bowl of Lifesavers, he gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them: "What is the flavor?"
The children were able to identify all of the common flavors easily until he gave them each a honey Lifesaver. The children sucked on them for a while, but couldn't decipher the taste.
"Well," he said: "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"
07-23-2010, 04:05 PM
A serious ailment....:exhausted:
A man calls his boss one morning and tells him that he’s staying home because he is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," he says in a weak voice.
The boss asks: "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
He responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."
07-25-2010, 03:00 PM
Beware of dog....:ban:
A customer in a little country drugstore noticed a sign saying: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" But instead of a well-trained watchdog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register.
"Is that the dog people are supposed to beware of?" he asked the store owner.
"Yessiree, that's him," the owner replied.
The customer couldn't help but laugh. "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on Earth would you post that sign?"
"Because, until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him."
07-28-2010, 01:02 PM
The medical terms....:whistle:
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man, "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
07-29-2010, 03:26 PM
And yet another blonde joke....:evillaugh:
A blonde woman enters a sex shop, walks straight up to the shop assistant and says: “I’m after your biggest, best sex toy please.”
“Well, as you can see,” he says: “we have a wide variety of toys behind me. Which one would you like?”
She takes a few minutes to gaze at the array of pleasure instruments behind the helpful assistant before pointing and saying: “I’ll take that large red one on the wall there, please.”
The shop assistant turns to see which one she means, before turning back to say: “Madam, that’s a fire extinguisher!”
07-31-2010, 07:35 AM
Waiting at the pearly gates...:evillaugh:
A man is standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into Heaven.”
The man says: “No problem. I was stopped at an intersection once and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. I got out of my car, walked up to one of the bikers -- who was over 7 feet tall and must have weighed nearly 300 lbs. -- and I told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that I would not tolerate it. I then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the balls to make a point.”
St. Peter is amazed and starts searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says: “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?”
The man looks down at his watch and says: “Oh, about five minutes ago.”
08-01-2010, 02:43 PM
The best pub ever....:dizzy:
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Aussie are having a drink in America.
“You know", says the Scotsman: "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth one for you."
"Well", says the Englishman: "at my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," says the Aussie: "Back home in Sydney there's Bruce's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Aussie's claims. But the Aussie swears every word is true.
"Well," says the Englishman: "has this actually happened to you?"
"Not me personally," says the Aussie: "But it did happen to my sister."
08-04-2010, 08:00 AM
Next time, don't ask....:barf:
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. When he takes a bite out of it, he notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress: "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his armpit.
"That's disgusting!" the man says.
"You think that's disgusting?” the waitress replies: “You should see him make doughnuts."
08-05-2010, 08:42 AM
Saying what you mean....:bingo:
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh!'"
The first guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH!'"
08-11-2010, 12:34 AM
A serious moth problem....:evillaugh:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover: “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he demanded.
“I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said: “Those little bastards!”
08-11-2010, 03:45 PM
Jesus is watching you...
A burglar broke into a minister's home one quiet Sunday evening, knowing that the Minister and his family would likely be at church. Inside, the house was pitch dark, so the burglar flicked on his flashlight.
Immediately, a voice said, "Jesus is watching you."
Stunned, the burglar froze, trying to find the source of the voice. After a few tense moments, he relaxed a bit and made his way over to the stereo, wary. As he began to remove the wire, the voice said again, clear as a bell, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar spun, shining his flashlight in the direction that it seemed that the sound had come from. His light settled upon a parrot, perched in his cage and looking calmly back at him.
"Heh." The burglar moved over to the parrot and studied him. "That you talking, bird?"
"Yes," the bird replied. "I thought it fair to warn you that Jesus was watching you."
"Oh, I bet he is." The burglar smiled. "What's your name, bird?"
"Noah?!" The burglar laughed. "I knew the minister was all Christian and whatnot, but what kind of crazy people name their bird 'Noah'?"
The parrot, nonplussed, replied, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
08-12-2010, 04:24 PM
The parrot and the preacher
(Fyi, I'm not really sure why, but my jokes suddenly have preachers and parrots in em. :p )
For his birthday, a preacher received a large white parrot from a family member. The family member warned the preacher that the parrot had been owned by a friend of his, a sailor with a mouth so foul he could light a match simply by speaking.
The preacher accepted the beautiful bird, promising to break the bird's filthy habit... but it quickly became apparent that this would be a long process indeed. Every other word out of the bird's beak was a swear, and he would rattle on for long periods of time, getting filthier and filthier with each breath.
It got so bad that one morning the preacher, in desperation, flung open his freezer door and shoved the parrot inside, if for no other reason than to muffle his cursing a bit.
For thirty seconds, the parrot continued to swear at the top of its lungs... until suddenly it fell totally and completely silent. Concerned that he might have hurt the bird, the preacher opened the freezer, only to be astonished when the bird calmly stepped out of the freezer and perched quietly on his arm.
Astounded, the preacher stared at the bird until it cleared its throat and said, "Good sir, I'd like to offer you my humble apologies for my behavior these past few days. My words and actions were horrible, and I can assure you that they will never happen again, and I shall be a model pet from this point on."
Before the bewildered preacher could interrupt, the parrot continued, "But if you don't mind me asking, what on EARTH did the chicken to do deserve his fate?"
08-19-2010, 05:03 AM
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man asking the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice... 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there asking the same question once again!
'Do you have a vagina?'
'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Would you please mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'
08-19-2010, 12:55 PM
I would too!
An elderly man walks into a Catholic church and heads straight to the confessional. When the door slid open, he began, "Father, I've come to tell you... After my wife of fifty years divorced me, I became involved in a carnal relationship with a woman nearly a third of my years young. We have sex at least twice a day, and occasionally she invites her friends along for the fun. My children no longer speak to me, my ex-wife refuses to even talk ABOUT me, and if I must be honest, this woman I spoke of just gave me a blowjob in the car right before I came inside here."
Concerned, the priest said, "Well, my son, you've certainly come to the right place. When was your last confessional?"
"Oh, I've never had a confessional. I'm Baptist."
Confused, the priest replied, "I don't understand then. Why are you here?"
"I'm not here to confess," the man replied. "I'm telling everyone I can fricking think of."
08-22-2010, 10:34 AM
Change of appearance....:distressed:
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 43 years?"
“Oh, sorry,” God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
08-23-2010, 01:03 PM
Mother of Six....:evillaugh:
A husband, proud of the fact that his wife has given birth to six children, begins to call her "Mother of Six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife grows tired of her husband's description.
"Mother of Six," he'd say: "Get me a beer!" or "Hey, Mother of Six, what's for dinner tonight?"
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly calls out: "Hey, Mother of Six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seizes the moment and shouts back: "I'll be right with you, Father of Four!"
08-23-2010, 09:44 PM
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
08-24-2010, 06:31 AM
A surgical procedure....:ban:
A doctor is performing a highly complicated surgical procedure on a young boy with an eye defect. When the surgery is complete, he addresses the parents and says: "Your son is going to be just fine. We grafted some skin from his scrotum to widen his eyelids and he'll have 20/20 vision when he wakes up.”
"So he'll be perfectly normal?" ask the parents.
"Well, not exactly" says the doctor: "He might look a little cock-eyed."
08-25-2010, 11:30 PM
Knowing the time....:snicker:
A wife is cooking eggs in the kitchen, when she turns to her husband and demands sex right away. Without delay, he makes loves to her on the table.
“What was that all about?” he asks, a few minutes later.
“The egg timer is broken.”
08-27-2010, 06:36 AM
Classic waiter joke....:oy:
A visitor at a seaside hotel called over the head waiter at breakfast one morning and said: "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied: "It shouldn't be too tough, that's what you gave me yesterday!"
08-28-2010, 06:52 AM
Only so much time....:evillaugh:
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"
"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.
"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
08-29-2010, 05:31 AM
The missing bullets....:ban:
A woman who was pregnant with twins, one boy and one girl, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot three times in the stomach. An operation was too risky so the bullets were never removed.
Sixteen years later, the girl twin goes crying to her mom. “I was peeing and a bullet came out,” she said.
So the mother explains what had happened years earlier. The next day, the boy twin starts crying.
“Let me guess,” the mother says: “you were peeing and a bullet came out?'
“No,” he replies: “I was touching myself and I shot the dog.”
08-29-2010, 11:32 PM
Three friends, Donna, Lois, and Betty haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch. Donna arrives first, wearing beige Versace. ..She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Lois arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. She joins Donna in a glass of wine. Then Betty walks in, wearing a faded tee-shirt, blue jeans and flip-flops. She too shares the wine.
Donna explains that after high school and graduating from Princeton, she married Loren, with whom she has two beautiful children. Loren is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue. They have a second home in Phoenix .
Lois relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Bill, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida .
Betty explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her sailor boyfriend, Frank. They run a tropical bird park on Camano Island and grow their own vegetables. Frank can stand five parrots, side by side, on his "dillywacker".
Halfway through the third bottle of wine, Donna blurts out that her husband Loren is really just a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.
Lois, encouraged by her friend's honesty, explains that she and Bill are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Port Orchard and take vacation camping trips to Belfair State Park.
Betty confesses the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
08-30-2010, 06:26 AM
The optimist and the pessimist....:ban:
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure: "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
The optimist replied: "There has to be a pony in here somewhere!"
08-31-2010, 11:48 AM
Rednecks and Logic....:puzzled:
Two rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says: “I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes.” Doug thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. “Logic,” Larry says: “What's that?”
The dean says: “I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”
“Yeah,” Larry replies.
“Then, logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard,” the Dean explains.
“That's true, I do have a yard,” Larry says.
“I'm not done,” the Dean says: “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house,” Larry says.
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family,” the Dean continues.
“Yes, I have a family,” Larry replies.
“I'm not done yet,” the Dean says: “Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual!” Larry exclaims: “That's amazing. You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug that he signed up for math, English, history, and logic.
“Logic?” Doug says: “What's that?”
Larry says: “I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”
“No,” Doug replies.
“Ah-ha! Then you must be gay!”
09-01-2010, 12:21 PM
One little pill....:love:
A woman goes to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist: "Can you tell me about Viagra?"
"What would you like to know," the pharmacist asks.
"What does it do?" the woman asks.
"Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection," the pharmacist says.
"Can you get it over the counter?" the woman asks.
"Yes," the pharmacist replies: "but I'd probably need two pills for that."
09-03-2010, 11:59 AM
$800 a year....:evillaugh:
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
09-04-2010, 12:00 AM
The Chrismas parrot....:ban:
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!..."
09-04-2010, 11:07 PM
Splitting the room....:ban:
A businessman comes into town and finds that the hotels are booked solid. Finally, one clerk says: "I have one room with two beds. I'm sure the other guy wouldn't mind splitting the bill."
The businessman says: "I'll take it!"
"Wait a minute," the clerk says: "This guy snores really loud. In fact, the other guests have complained about it."
The businessman says: "It doesn't matter. I'll take it."
The next morning, the clerk asks him how he slept. The businessman says: "I slept fine, the whole night through."
The clerk asks: "Didn't the snoring bother you?"
The businessman says: "No, when I walked into the room, the other guy was snoring, so I bent over and kissed him on the cheek, and said 'goodnight, beautiful.' Then he stayed up all night just watching me."
09-06-2010, 04:30 AM
Knowing the rules....:evillaugh:
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
09-07-2010, 08:17 AM
A rather late confession....:evillaugh:
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," said the priest. "That's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed," the man explained.
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause," the priest replied.
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind,” the man said. “I have one more question, though."
"What is that, my son?" the priest inquired.
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
09-09-2010, 11:32 AM
The new bride....:puzzled:
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
09-10-2010, 06:04 AM
A bit of insomnia....:notagain:
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.
"Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
09-11-2010, 08:36 AM
Just a glass of water....:whistle:
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later, he calls out: "Da-ad!"
"What?" his father asks.
"I'm thirsty,” the boy says. “Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No,” his father replies. “You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes pass, and the little boy calls out for his father again.
"What?" his father shouts.
"I'm thirsty,” the boy says. “Can I have a glass of water?"
"I told you no!” the father sternly replies. “If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
Five minute pass, and the little boy calls out for his father again.
"What?" his father asks.
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"
09-12-2010, 04:50 AM
A fairy tale ending....:bingo:
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."
09-13-2010, 05:14 AM
A record request....:whistle:
There was an old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is that a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, it's fairly average!"
09-14-2010, 07:34 AM
Not ready to go....:ban:
A minister had worked himself up into a frenzy while delivering a sermon on Heaven and Hell.
"Stand up if you want to go to Heaven!" he entreated his congregation.
Everyone in the church rose at once, except a fellow in the front row.
"Are you telling me that you don't want to go to Heaven when you die?" the minister asked the man.
"When I die, sure," the man replied: "I thought you were getting up a load to go right now."
09-15-2010, 01:44 PM
Be careful what you choose....:evillaugh:
A man arrives in Hell and is met by the Devil. He is told he can choose from three different types of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles. In the first room, there’s a man hanging upside down being whipped.
“No, thank you,” says the man.
The two then proceed to the second room, where another man is being beaten with a stick. Again the man turns down this room.
In the third room, there’s a naked man strapped to a wall getting a blowjob from a beautiful blonde. The man immediately shouts: “I’ll start here!”
“Are you sure?” asks the Devil: “Remember, this lasts for eternity.”
After the man assures the Devil this is his chosen torture, Satan turns to the blonde and says: “You can go now – I found your replacement.”
09-16-2010, 11:59 PM
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
09-17-2010, 10:48 PM
The going rate....:love:
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
09-19-2010, 06:15 AM
A guy walks into a doctors's office....:cry:
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well, it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw that the ball was stuck in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow, and that's when I made my mistake."
The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
The guy replies: "I said 'Hey, this looks like yours, hun!'"
09-20-2010, 06:13 AM
What a woman says - what a man hears....:evillaugh:
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
09-21-2010, 06:27 AM
A deep relationship....:evillaugh:
A woman and her boyfriend are speeding down a country lane after leaving a party. The woman decides she wants to have some fun, so she takes off all of her clothes so she can flash other motorists.
Unfortunately, the man gets a little distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but the man is trapped in the wreckage.
The only cover she can find is one of her boyfriend’s shoes, so she holds it over her crotch, runs to a nearby garage and shouts: “Help, my boyfriend is stuck!”
The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, “It looks like you’ll need a doctor, miss! He’s too far in!...”
09-22-2010, 05:44 AM
A matter of life or death....:evillaugh:
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. The officer says: "Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
The man replies: "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?" asks the officer.
The man turns red, and then says: "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
Rolling his eyes, the police officer says: "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
The man responds: "Well, you see, If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man!"
09-23-2010, 05:20 AM
A trucker goes into a whorehouse....:evillaugh:
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich."
The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."
The trucker says, "No, no, I'm not horny, I'm just homesick."
09-23-2010, 04:31 PM
In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit." :angry:
09-24-2010, 07:55 AM
Hungover and married....:puzzled:
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
10-03-2010, 11:42 AM
A real football fan....:evillaugh:
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau Field. Using his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste," he made his way down to the empty seat and asked the man sitting next to it if it was taken.
"This was my wife's seat," the man replied: "She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss," the other man replied: "May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
"I wanted to," the man replied: "but they're all at the funeral."
10-04-2010, 07:12 AM
The dancing duck....:oy:
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger. "Your duck is a rip off!" he said: "I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Well sure," says the duck’s former owner: "You have to remember to light the candle under the pot."
10-05-2010, 06:05 AM
The talking clock....:warn:
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What are the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That’s the talking clock," the student replied.
"How does it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch!" said the man, and he proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall: "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JACKASS! It's 2 a.m.!"
10-05-2010, 11:04 PM
Carrying a load.....:evillaugh:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Simple -set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
10-06-2010, 10:36 PM
A close shave....:oy:
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married, and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Just tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you!"
10-07-2010, 10:46 PM
The love dress....:warn:
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks.
"Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" responds the daughter.
"I tell you what - I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now, what are you doing?"
"Oh, Mom, it's my LOVE dress!. It keeps the marriage spicy!" the daughter replies.
Later that night, the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, she is waiting for him at the door, completely naked. He eyes her up and down and asks: "Honey, what are you doing?"
She gives him the same answer that her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?"
Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"
10-09-2010, 01:29 AM
A frustrated housewife decides to jazz up her sex life after 20 years of marriage. She buys a pair of crotchless panties, applies a lot of makeup and greets her husband at the door in the sexy new lingerie.
Slowly spreading her legs open, she says in her most seductive come-to-bed voice: “Honey, would you like some of this?”
The husband looks between his wife's legs and then up at her doting eyes and replies: “Hell no! Look at what it's done to your panties!”
10-10-2010, 12:52 AM
The boss's daughter....:evillaugh:
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
10-10-2010, 11:15 PM
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
10-11-2010, 10:35 PM
A trip to the barber....:ban:
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
10-12-2010, 10:32 PM
Her lower mouth....:bingo:
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet. . ."
10-13-2010, 11:33 PM
Plucking a hair....:evillaugh:
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly, if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
10-14-2010, 10:43 PM
Classic leprechaun joke.....:evillaugh:
One morning, a woman walks out of her door and notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a leprechaun,” she says. “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”
So the leprechaun replies: “OK, you got me. What’s your first wish?”
The woman stops and thinks for a second. “I want a huge mansion to live in.”
The leprechaun replies: “It’s yours. What else?”
The woman again thinks it over. “My second wish is to have a Mercedes.”
“OK, you’ve got that, too.”
“My last wish is a million dollars.”
The leprechaun then says: “OK, you’ve got it. But to make all your wishes come true, you have to have sex with me all night.”
“OK then, if that’s what it takes,” says the woman.
The next morning, the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man: “how old are you?”
“I’m 27,” she replies.
“Wow,” says the man: “27, and you still believe in leprechauns?”
10-16-2010, 12:39 AM
Everywhere you go....:dizzy:
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
“Get out!” yells the bartender: “I don’t serve drunks here.”
The guy staggers out the front door, comes in through the side door, sits down, bangs his fist, and loudly demands a drink.
“I thought I just told you to get out,” says the bartender.
So the drunk gets up, stumbles out the side door, and returns through the back door. He again sits down and angrily calls for a drink.
The bartender walks over to the guy and says: “I told you, no drunks allowed. Now get the hell out!”
The drunk looks up and slurs: “Hey, buddy, how many bars do you work at, anyway?”
10-16-2010, 11:16 PM
Contradiction in behavior.....:ban:
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
10-17-2010, 09:42 PM
An elderly encounter.....:evillaugh:
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
10-18-2010, 11:23 PM
Two gentlemen were discussing the sorry state of sexual morality.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," one man said self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I'm not sure," said the other, "what was her maiden name?"
10-19-2010, 11:03 PM
A Texas-sized baby.....:whistle:
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds."
Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "fifteen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled. "Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, "Had him circumcised."
10-20-2010, 08:51 PM
The difference between having Guts and having Balls...:hero:
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
10-21-2010, 10:18 PM
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.
"Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "Well, if you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
10-22-2010, 11:00 PM
A ghostly question.....:whistle:
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?"
Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?"
One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"
The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."
10-23-2010, 09:43 PM
A trip to the jewelry store....:evillaugh:
An old man with a gorgeous young blonde asks a clerk at a jewelry store to pick out a special ring for him.
“This one costs $20,000,” says the jeweler.
“No. I want something extra special for an extra special girl,” he says.
The jeweler then picks out another ring, this time worth $65,000.
“Perfect,” says the old man. “I’ll write a check and when it clears on Monday, we’ll come and collect the ring.”
Monday arrives and the old man receives a call from the jeweler. “I’m awfully sorry, sir, but that check you signed has bounced,” the jeweler says.
“That’s okay,” replies the old man: “I knew it would, but imagine the weekend I’ve had!”
10-24-2010, 10:46 PM
Drunk and relieved....:dizzy:
A drunken man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said: "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
"Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?" the man asked.
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop: "Let's go."
"Thank God for that," the man said, breathing a sigh of relief: "I thought I was crippled!"
10-25-2010, 10:31 PM
How to get a raise....:bingo:
A maid asks for a pay rise.
“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.
“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid: “Firstly, I iron better than you.”
“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.
“Your husband said so,” replies the maid: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house: “Who said you are a better cook than me?”
“Your husband,” replies the maid: “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.
“No, the gardener did.”
The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.
10-26-2010, 09:57 PM
Classic bar joke....:evillaugh:
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
10-27-2010, 11:02 PM
A nun's final wish.....:evillaugh:
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
10-31-2010, 07:41 AM
Joking around in adolesence, we would say you must be a butt baby,
or an anal fetus. Years later in made up news it happened, so it's possible to be born from the butt. Only one human can make this magic crap happen, lucky for us it's...
11-09-2010, 03:33 PM
The gift certificate....._.
Doug is talking to his friend at the bar: “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She already has everything and she can afford to buy anything else she wants.”
“I have an idea,” his friend says. “Make a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled.”
Doug decides to take his friend’s advice. The next day, his friend sees him at the bar again and asks: “Did it work? Did she like it?”
“Oh yes, she loved it,” Doug replies: “She jumped up, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, ‘See you in an hour!’”
11-10-2010, 04:50 PM
The winning ticket....:evillaugh:
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife: "Brenda, pack your things. I’ve just won the lottery!"
Brenda replies: "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"I don’t care," the man says: "Just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!"
11-12-2010, 04:04 PM
It's all in the color....:ban:
Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"
The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"
The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."
The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem.
The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die."
The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"
The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"
11-15-2010, 07:06 PM
Just a little short....:distressed:
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they proceed to pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf is unable to get an erection and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, all he can hear is his little friend shouting: “Here I come again... one, two, three... uhh!”
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first: “How did it go?”
The first mutters: "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."
The second dwarf shakes his head. “You think that's embarrassing?” he says: “I couldn't even get on the bed.”
11-16-2010, 06:55 PM
The final treatment....:evillaugh:
An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."
"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.
"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."
11-17-2010, 01:55 PM
The price of love....._.
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So do 24 cans of Budweiser... and at half the price!”
11-18-2010, 01:48 PM
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks: "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says: "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender: "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
11-18-2010, 04:01 PM
A young woman is sitting next to a priest in a plane.
She looks at him and asks: "Father, may I ask you a favour?"
"Sure, my child. If I might help, I will."
"I bought this very expensive lady shaver. I never used it before so I fear that I have a whole lot to declare! I am a student and don´t really have so much money. Could you please be so kind to put it in your cassock?"
"My doughter, you shall know that I am a man of truth and honesty. So I cannot lie to anyone. But give it to me. Maybe I can make up something."
The woman is very happy and even though she is a little sceptical, she hands over her tool to the priest.
After the plane landed, the priest walks to the customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" The officer asks.
"From my head to my waist I have nothing to declare, sir." The priest replies.
The officer looks surprised and asks: "So what do you have from there to your feet?"
"Down there", the priest answers, " I have a tool for ladies that never has been used before."
The officer bursts out with laughter and says: "Next one!"
11-19-2010, 08:46 PM
A tough old lady....:hero:
There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice.
A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!".
"Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back.
"Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off.
"Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys".
"Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".
11-20-2010, 02:49 PM
The job description....:evillaugh:
A woman sped over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked: “What's your hurry?”
“I'm late for work,” the woman replied.
“Oh yeah,” said the cop: “And what do you do?”
“I'm a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered: “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said: “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then I get my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the heck do you do with a 6-foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.”
11-22-2010, 03:54 PM
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the manager says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
11-23-2010, 01:07 PM
It's all in the names....:bingo:
A psychiatrist is conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their kids. “You all have obsessions,” he observes.
To the first mother, he says: “You’re obsessed with eating - you’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turns to the second mother and says: “Your obsession is money. It shows in your child’s name, Penny.”
He goes to the third mother and says: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows in your child’s name, Brandy.”
The fourth mother then quietly gets up and whispers to her boy: “Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick Willy up from school and go home.”
11-24-2010, 01:10 PM
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch: "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether or not anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced their verdict: guilty.
"But how?" the lawyer asked: "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."
"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied: "We all looked - but your client didn't!"
11-27-2010, 06:26 PM
Doing it outback-style....:bingo:
An lady takes out a personal ad for a man who has never been with a woman before, and finally meets an Australian who’s spent his entire life in the Outback.
They end up getting married, and on the wedding night, she walks into their bedroom to find her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked and all the furniture from the room piled into one corner.
“What on Earth happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says: “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get!”
11-29-2010, 05:26 PM
A gift for mom....:puzzled:
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said: "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son: "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another: "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son: "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
11-30-2010, 01:55 PM
Identifying the body....:evillaugh:
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to ID the body, so they called his two closest friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come in.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jim-Bob looked closely and said: "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over."
So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said: "Nope, that ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to ID the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said: "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over."
The mortician once again rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said: "Nuh-uh, that ain't Bubba.”
The mortician said: "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said: "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes? That’s impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone knew about it too, 'cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
12-01-2010, 05:54 PM
The proper way to use Vaseline....:evillaugh:
A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline," he says: "Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes," she replies: "My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" he asks.
"We use it for sex," she replies.
The researcher is a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge," he says: "But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
"I don't mind telling you at all," the woman says: "My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
12-02-2010, 04:39 AM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and
Ordered a glass of champagne...
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a
Glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for
Me... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the
Man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
All of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
12-02-2010, 05:12 AM
Confusing Chinese Names
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgen t matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!
12-02-2010, 03:17 PM
The precise grammar....:evillaugh:
An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time. They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work. They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.
The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"
12-03-2010, 08:12 PM
Teachers know best....:warn:
A lawyer, an economist and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer finishes, washes his hands and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says: "I was taught to be thorough."
The economist finishes, washes his hands but uses only one paper towel. He says: "I was taught to be environmentally friendly."
The teacher finishes and leaves without washing his hands. He says: "I was taught not to piss on my hands."
12-06-2010, 06:40 PM
At the barbershop....:bingo:
President George Bush and President Barack Obama ended up at the barbershop at the same time. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had President Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave. President Bush was quick to stop him, saying: “No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.”
The second barber turned to President Obama and said: “How about you, Mr. President?
Obama replied, “Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
12-07-2010, 08:32 PM
Teaching the language....:surprised:
A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.
"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.
"My bike," the chief replies.
12-09-2010, 01:51 PM
Gone to Hell.....:evillaugh:
After dying and going to Hell, a man is shown into a room full of beautiful busty blondes and huge kegs full of beer. Shocked, the man turns to a demon and says: "You call this Hell?"
"Absolutely," the demon replies: "the kegs all have holes in them and the blondes don't!"
12-10-2010, 02:13 PM
The proper breathing....:evil:
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
12-12-2010, 08:31 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“In honor of this holy season you must each present something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven,” Saint Peter said.
The man from New York fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The man from California reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said: “They represent bells.”
“You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” Saint Peter said.
The man from Kentucky started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied: “These are Carol’s.”
12-13-2010, 06:36 PM
A thoughtful gift....._.
A man buys his wife a sparkling diamond ring for their 10th anniversary.
“It’s nice,” a friend says. "But I thought she wanted a sporty, four-wheel-drive car."
"She did,” the man replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
12-14-2010, 02:07 PM
The husband store....:evillaugh:
A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in New York City. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”
So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The notice on the door reads:
"The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited."
12-15-2010, 03:33 PM
The golf lesson....:cry:
A woman taking golf lessons had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee. Distraught, she went back into the clubhouse and told her golf teacher about the incident.
"Where did it sting you?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He shook his head and said: "That’s your problem right there. You had your feet too far apart!"
12-16-2010, 01:22 PM
A little shaky....:exhausted:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Do you have dildos?"
The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually, we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"
The old woman then asks: "Do you carry a pink one, 10-inches long and about two inches thick and battery-powered?”
The clerk responds: "Yes, we do."
Wiping her forehead, she asks: "Do you know how to turn the goddamn son of a bitch off?"
12-17-2010, 06:24 PM
An honest doctor....:evil:
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now, just open your mouth and say moo."
12-20-2010, 04:26 PM
The Christmas angel......_.
One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves' union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walkout. Mrs. Claus was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Mrs. Claus was all up in his face and wouldn't stop badgering him. Then there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sleigh and that they were joining the elves in their walkout. Santa slammed the door and said: "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
Moments later there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long and had just found one. The little angel asked: "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And thus began the age old tradition of sticking an angel atop the tree.
12-21-2010, 01:47 PM
A proper burial....:evillaugh:
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed. "And I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: "That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: "That's because he's inside your cat."
12-22-2010, 04:35 PM
Postcard in the mail.....:evillaugh:
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
12-23-2010, 02:58 PM
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said: "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
12-27-2010, 07:44 PM
Love is all about sharing....:ban:
An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered: "The teeth."
12-29-2010, 02:37 PM
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted: "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied: "now just rest and let the poison work."
12-30-2010, 02:11 PM
Having particular qualities....:evillaugh:
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.
12-31-2010, 01:23 PM
With his son in his first real serious relationship, a man decided it was high time that he gave him the "birds and the bees" talk. After some discussion, they made their way to the supermarket to purchase the son's first box of condoms.
The son was a bit overwhelmed by the sheer volume of choices available, so he asked his father what the difference was between them.
"Well, you have different sensations, different sizes, all that sort of thing. But let's just start here..." He picked up a small box. "This one's a beginner pack, has two condoms in it, one for Friday night and one for Saturday night."
The son motioned at the next box. "And that bigger one?"
"That's the Newlywed model, contains eight condoms. One for every day of the week and a spare."
"Oh, so that big box of thirty-six is the married model then, one for every day of the month?"
"No, that's the Married box, alright... but those thirty-six condoms are a three year supply..."
12-31-2010, 04:54 PM
Two out of three....:evillaugh:
God appears to a man and tells him that he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The guy says he'll try.
A week passes and God visits the man again to see how he's doing.
"Not bad," says the man: "I've given up smoking and drinking but the other day, when my wife bent over the freezer, I had to take her from behind."
"They don't like that in Heaven," God tells him.
“I understand,” the man replies: "They weren’t too happy about it in Sears, either."
01-01-2011, 05:36 PM
The old explorer....:evillaugh:
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task.
“Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I’ve ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.
The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"
01-02-2011, 06:57 PM
Honesty and marriage.....:bingo:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower: "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I went to the store like this?"
His wife glanced at him quickly up and down, and replied: "They’d probably think that I married you for your money."
01-03-2011, 01:25 PM
Like father, like son....:evillaugh:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to look at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
01-04-2011, 02:19 PM
A lucky find?.....:ban:
An ugly man is on his way home from a night of heavy drinking when he spots a slim, big-breasted woman tied to a set of train tracks. He rushes over to untie her and then takes her back to his place, where he makes love to her all night, unable to believe his luck.
The next day, he goes to his local bar to tell the story.
"You're a lucky bastard," says the bartender: "So was she a blonde or a brunette?"
"I don't know," the man replies: "I didn't manage to find the head."
01-05-2011, 03:07 PM
Every couple of thousand years....:evillaugh:
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says: "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says: "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and she’s sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says: "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess."
The mother says: "Pregnant? She can't be. She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says: "No, Mother. I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says: "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies: "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
01-06-2011, 02:50 PM
Something for the pain....:cry:
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.
The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.
"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.
"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."
The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
01-07-2011, 02:13 PM
Not so fresh....:ban:
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her vagina. When she gets there, the doctor checks her out and asks: "When is the last time you had sex?"
The elderly woman smiles and says: "Why, I'm still a virgin - I'll be taking my cherry to the grave!"
The doctor examines her again and tells the lady: "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted!"
01-07-2011, 09:58 PM
.... Domino735, I puked in my mouth. :dies:
Here's one with happy ending. :nice:
A London couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left London and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in America ....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I have Arrived!
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ........ Sure is hot down here!!
01-08-2011, 02:34 PM
Truth in marriage....:evillaugh:
A wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."
01-09-2011, 06:26 PM
The rush for a cure....:cry:
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
01-10-2011, 02:33 PM
Knowing your rights....:dizzy:
An attractive female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
"Great idea," the drunk replies. "How about some tits?!"
01-11-2011, 03:37 PM
A quickie cure....:evillaugh:
A man visits his doctor. “Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you cure me?” he asks.
“No, I can’t,” says the doctor. “But I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span.”
01-12-2011, 03:03 PM
Just a little Viagara.....:whistle:
A 96-year-old man goes into a pharmacy and asks for Viagra. The elderly man then requests that each tablet be cut up into quarters.
The pharmacist says, "Sure, I can do that, but you realize a quarter won't give you a full erection?"
The old man replies, "I'm 96. I'm too old for that game. I just want to get it up a bit so I don't piss on my slippers."
01-13-2011, 02:38 PM
From the mouth of a child.....:evillaugh:
A teacher was explaining morality to her class. "If I went into a man's pocket and took his wallet and all his money, what would I be?" she asks.
A boy in the back of the class puts up his hand and says: "You'd be his wife."
01-17-2011, 08:05 PM
How'd he do that?.....:evillaugh:
A man walks into a police station and asks to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before.
"I’m sorry sir, but you'll get your chance in court,” says the duty officer.
“No, no, you don’t understand,” says the man. “I want to know how he got in the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!”
01-18-2011, 12:42 PM
A vegetable problem....:cry:
A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his ass. He tells the doctor that he's a little concerned about what this could be.
After examining him, the doctor turns to his patient and says. "It's worse than I originally thought. That's just the tip of the iceberg!"
01-19-2011, 01:33 PM
It makes your eyes water....:cry:
A kindergarten teacher asks her class: “What kind of vegetable makes your eyes water?”
One boy raises his hand and says: “An eggplant.”
“No,” says the teacher. “It’s an onion.”
“An onion?” repeats the boy. “You’ve obviously never been hit in the balls with an eggplant!”
01-20-2011, 12:50 PM
Picking up the money......_.
A man offers a girl in his office $1,000 to sleep with him. “I’ll put the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be done by the time you pick it up,” he explains.
The girl consults her boyfriend who advises her to go ahead but to pick up the money really fast. Having not heard anything for an hour, the boyfriend calls her back.
“I can hardly walk, let alone make a phone call,” the girl says.
“What happened?” her boyfriend asks anxiously.
“He used $1 bills!”
01-20-2011, 03:13 PM
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!
01-21-2011, 12:19 PM
Learning the trade.....:whistle:
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that they take her "pay" to the bank. When they got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
To which the little girl replied: "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the goddamn sheetrock!"
01-22-2011, 08:02 PM
What do I look like?!?!.....:distressed:
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?"
The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.
The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.
"What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"
01-24-2011, 10:33 PM
A tough wish to grant....:evillaugh:
A man is walking along the beach when he discovers a strange bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out and promises to grant him one wish.
The man thinks about it for a moment and says: "My wish is for peace in the Middle East."
The genie looks concerned and then says: "I'm sorry, but that's just not possible. Some things can't be changed. Do you have another wish?"
The guy says, 'Well, for my whole life, I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish."
The genie pauses for another moment and then says: "How would you define ‘peace’?"
01-25-2011, 01:12 PM
A chicken issue....:puzzled:
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says: "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken."
The doctor says: "Why don't you have him admitted to a hospital?"
The guy says: "We would, but we need the eggs!"
01-26-2011, 02:22 PM
In and out of puddles....:whistle:
Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
01-26-2011, 04:18 PM
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
Moral of the Story: A lot of things have to happen for a pussy to get wet...If the fly drops six inches the pussy might get wet.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
01-27-2011, 12:41 PM
The right time to pay up....:bingo:
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.
"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
01-28-2011, 03:10 PM
An old dog....:evillaugh:
One day, an old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of lunch.
The old German shepherd thinks: "Oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German shepherd exclaims loudly: "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther. "That was close! That old German shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says: "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks: "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old German shepherd says: "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story: Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery, and B.S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.
01-29-2011, 03:46 PM
Praying for return.....:whistle:
An old grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She gets down on her knees and pleads: "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
Suddenly, a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to heaven and says: "Hello? God?? He had a hat!"
01-30-2011, 04:39 PM
Not sure if this one has been said, I haven't read the whole thread. It's short but it tickled me a little. :evillaugh:
Q. What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A. Your girlfriend/wife will happily blow your bonus.
01-30-2011, 06:09 PM
A deeper relationship....:evillaugh:
A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"
"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new."
01-31-2011, 01:20 PM
It's all in how you tell it.....:evillaugh:
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other; they just need to refer to each joke by a number.
"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up.
"Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.
Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "Number 44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks. "Isn’t 44 funny?"
"Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"
02-01-2011, 12:59 PM
Knowing the truth.....:hero:
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or you are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?" the man asked.
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied. "Actually, I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary," the man replied.
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
02-02-2011, 05:44 PM
The problem with persistence....:exhausted:
Two old actors are sitting on a bench. One says: "How long has it been since you had a job?"
"Thirty-two years,” the other actor answers. “How about you?"
"That's nothing,” the first actor replies. “I haven't had a job in 40 years!"
“Jeez,” the other says. "One of these days we've got to get out of this business!"
02-03-2011, 09:06 PM
Just helping a friend....._.
Jen’s friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.
“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it,” says Jen.
The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.
“How did it go, then?” asks Jen.
“Wonderfully!” beams Amy. “Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”
02-04-2011, 01:38 PM
In deep trouble....:evillaugh:
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in excrement up to their necks.
The guy says: "No, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with excrement up to their noses. The guy shakes his head and says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with excrement up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries.
The guy says: "I pick this room."
Satan nods and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "Okay, coffee break's over. Everyone, back on your heads!"
02-05-2011, 05:35 PM
The disabled swimmers....:evillaugh:
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
02-06-2011, 06:21 PM
The genteel Southern lady's trip....:blush:
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious!"
02-07-2011, 01:40 PM
Learning the hard way....:cry:
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch, you fucking wanker!"
Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."
The priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?"
She said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?"
The priest replies: "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."
The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles."
The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. His mother asks him what he wants for breakfast.
Timmy replied: "Well, you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
02-08-2011, 12:31 PM
This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."
She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.
"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."
02-09-2011, 01:02 PM
Classic blonde joke....:evillaugh:
A group of blondes walks into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast: "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up" and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says: "I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years' but we finished it in only 51 days!"
02-10-2011, 12:49 PM
It's all in the bark....:bingo:
A Rottweiler walks into a telegram office, takes out a blank form and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examines the paper and tells the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
The dog replies: "But that would make no sense at all."
02-10-2011, 09:29 PM
President Obama and Queen Elisabeth
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .
The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama: "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential', replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses." :)
Oh, a recent survey found that 17% of men prefer sex in the SHOWER ....
(The other 83% have never been to prison) ...
02-11-2011, 01:38 PM
What a way to go....:evillaugh:
A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart.
When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their goodbyes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
The mourner said: "Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral."
The man asked: "Well, what's so funny about that?"
And the mourner said: "I'm a gynecologist!"
02-12-2011, 05:24 PM
An explorer deep in the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.
Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: "Oh God, I'm screwed!"
The sky darkens and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So he bashes the life out of the chief and finds himself standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and looking at 100 angry natives.
The voice booms out again: "Okay, now you're screwed!"
02-13-2011, 06:08 PM
A slight discrepancy....:evillaugh:
A sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.
He says to the man: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's right," replied the man. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
02-14-2011, 02:22 PM
A blonde winning streak....:whistle:
One day in Las Vegas, a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.
After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.
The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"
02-14-2011, 05:56 PM
THE LIE DETECTOR ROBOT
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape alled Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her full out of her chair. :)
02-15-2011, 12:38 PM
The new nightie....:ban:
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.
Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"
02-16-2011, 12:57 PM
Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."
A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.
Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"
02-17-2011, 12:45 PM
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars!"
02-18-2011, 01:46 PM
All dogs go to heaven....:whistle:
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest, Father Patrick.
"Father," he said, "my dear old dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe; maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
"Now, wait just a minute," Father Patrick blurted out. "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
02-19-2011, 02:04 PM
The correct diagnosis....:evillaugh:
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give a verbal quiz to the freshman class.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked: "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered: "A basketball coach?"
02-20-2011, 02:20 PM
The back door....:cry:
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman’s home when all of a sudden they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it’s my husband!" she says.
"Where’s your back door?" the man asks.
"We don’t have a back door," says the woman.
The man then asks: "Well, where do you want a back door?"
02-21-2011, 11:41 AM
[QUOTE=OldFartsFavourites;980243]President Obama and Queen Elisabeth
this one needs reporting to the executioners (aka moderators)
for the crimes:
deserves a year in the Tower, if not the Block itself!
mildly amusing, though - reminiscent of Queen Victoria
02-21-2011, 02:50 PM
"I can’t find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his patient, "I’ll come back when you’re sober."
02-22-2011, 12:54 PM
The new job....:bingo:
Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a "Help Wanted" ad for an accountant. He was interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at $85,000."
"$85,000!!!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
02-23-2011, 01:05 PM
Just a little spray....:whistle:
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says: "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies: "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says: "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies: "I know. That's from your Grandma."
02-24-2011, 12:39 PM
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely." To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says: "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies: "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy."
Another student says: "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher again replies: "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher: "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher looked at him and said: "No. But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So the student replies: "Then I definitely shit my pants!"
02-27-2011, 09:58 PM
The surgeon and the plumber....:evillaugh:
A plumber attended to a leaky faucet at a neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.
The neurosurgeon exclaimed: "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."
The plumber replied: "I agree! I didn't either when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"
02-28-2011, 01:36 PM
A different beat....:puzzled:
A drummer has had enough of being the butt of all of his friends’ jokes and decides to become a lead guitar player.
He goes to a shop, waves a pile of cash at the man behind the counter, and says: "I want a Fender Strat and a Gibson SG. I want massive Marshall amps. I want a whole floor of effects pedals and top-of-the-line cables. And I want a really cool strap because I am going to be the greatest guitarist the world has ever seen."
The man at the counter says: "You're a drummer aren't you?"
The drummer says: "Yes, how did you know?"
The man replies: "Because, this is an ice cream shop!"
03-01-2011, 12:38 PM
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked: "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"
"Because, the tombstone back there said: 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
03-01-2011, 06:12 PM
THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back,
he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam,
you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth
50%of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave
you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler,which I've
never seen done in my entire career".
A Meal To Die For
There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, “If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow I’ll jump off this cliff!”The Irishman said, “If I have ham tomorrow, I’ll jump off the cliff!” The Scotsman said, “If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I’ll jump off the cliff!
It was the next day, and they all had to jump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had jam!
A week later, it was the funeral and the Scottish lady and the English lady said, "Why didn’t they just tell us they didn’t like what we put in their sandwiches?"
And the Irish lady said, “I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff, he made his own sandwiches!”
(OLD one ?!?)
Heaven vs. Hell
One night, god spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.
After god had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question. “god,” he said, “What is heaven like?” god replied, “Well, normally I don’t tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!”
The man looked pleased. “What is hell like?” he asked.
“Well,” he said with a sigh, “the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.”
03-02-2011, 01:01 PM
Anything you want....:evillaugh:
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect camping trip. Two days before the group is set to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but realize there's little they can do to change her mind.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" one of the friends asks.
"Well, I've been here since yesterday," Rob replies. "Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over and she had handcuffs and ropes on the bed! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.' So, here I am!"
03-03-2011, 12:32 PM
Keeping the 'wife' happy....:cry:
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walked in. After a while they got to talking and at about 10:30 p.m. the second guy said: "I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies: "I'll help you out. Just do what I say. Go home, sneak into the bedroom and pull back the covers. Get down between her legs. Then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home.
When he gets home, the house is pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulls back the covers and proceeds to lick for 20 minutes. Afterwards he decides to wash his face.
As he walks into the bathroom, his wife is sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screams: "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!" she exclaims. "You'll wake my mother!"
03-04-2011, 01:05 PM
A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.
"Who's that?" asks one of the passengers.
"I have no idea," replies the captain. "But every year we sail past and he goes nuts."
03-05-2011, 05:01 PM
The silent treatment....:ban:
A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up."
03-06-2011, 06:23 PM
A man is talking to his friend and he says: "I'm about to go on vacation, and I don't know what to do."
His buddy asks: "Why?"
And the man says: "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was Paris. I came back and my wife was pregnant again."
His buddy asks: "So what are you going to do differently this year?"
And the guy says: "Well, this year I'm going to bring my wife!"
03-07-2011, 12:55 PM
Just following the boss's advice....:whistle:
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!"
Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "So, I see you followed my advice?"
"I did!", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way, I didn't know you had such a nice house!"
03-08-2011, 12:35 PM
Better than your wife?....:evil:
Jake and his buddy Fred visit a brothel. Jake goes into the room with the prostitute first while Fred waits outside.
When he's done, Jake closes the door behind him and says: "Don't waste your time. My wife's better."
But Fred goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says: "Damn, Jake, you were right. Your wife is better!"
03-09-2011, 12:59 PM
The blind shopper....:surprised:
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and shouts: "What are you doing?!"
The blind man replies: "Oh, I'm just looking around."
03-10-2011, 12:48 PM
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says: "This is a rip off! Why are the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?"
The doctor replies: "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
03-11-2011, 12:48 PM
An Irish toast....:puzzled:
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"
And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.
Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
03-12-2011, 03:48 PM
Four guys are walking down the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker.
A reporter runs up to them and says: "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says: "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says: "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says: "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker says: "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"
03-13-2011, 10:29 PM
The value of pie...:evillaugh:
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign that reads: "Pies 50 cents, hand jobs $1."
He goes in and sees the ugliest barmaid he's ever laid his eyes upon.
He says: "Are you the one who gives hand jobs for a dollar?"
"Yep," she says.
"Well, wash your hands then, I want a pie!"
03-14-2011, 11:51 AM
The proper prescription....:bingo:
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart and listening to the wife's ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked: "How often do I take these?"
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor: "They're for your wife."
03-15-2011, 12:38 PM
Dealing with the headache....._.
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks: "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache," he replies.
"I don't have a headache," she says.
03-16-2011, 12:14 PM
Dealing with the red ring....:cry:
A man goes to his GP and the doctor finds he has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on it and tells the patient to come back the next day.
"It’s all cleared up!" the man reports when he returns. "What was the medication you gave me?"
03-17-2011, 11:56 AM
An earsplitting problem....:evillaugh:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up!"
03-18-2011, 12:44 PM
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day: "I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff: "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts: "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Though impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks his acquaintanceship with Cruise was just lucky.
"No, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says. "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying: "Bubba, what a surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba, "I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square, when Bubba says: "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says: "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"
03-19-2011, 03:14 PM
What's in the hand?....:puzzled:
88-year old Mabel walks into the recreational room of an old people's home.
Holding her clenched first in the air, she proclaims, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
"An elephant," a distressed old man calls out.
Mabel thinks for a moment and says, "Close enough."
03-20-2011, 01:58 PM
What a way to go....:evillaugh:
Three men were captured by female savages and told their penises would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. The first man was a lumberjack, so his was chopped off. The second man was a butcher, so his was sliced off.
When they got to the third man, he was rolling about on the ground in hysterics.
"What's so funny?" asked his captors.
The man replied, "I work for the Hoover Vaccum company!"
03-21-2011, 03:03 PM
A guy walks into his local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says: "Hi. You know, I just hate being on social security. I'd really rather have a job."
"Your timing is excellent," says the social worker behind the counter. "We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on overseas holiday trips, and you'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $400,000 a year."
The guy says: "You're kidding!"
"Yes," the social worker replies, "but you started it."
03-22-2011, 11:40 AM
Pick-up line fail....:distressed:
A man sees a gorgeous woman standing alone at a bar. After tossing back a couple of shots he gets the nerve to approach her and says: "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long!"
The woman looks at him for a moment and replies: "What a coincidence. I was going to tell you a joke about my ass, but you'll never get it!"
03-23-2011, 12:38 PM
Giving the finger....:distressed:
At a cocktail party, one woman says to another: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replies: "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man!"
03-24-2011, 11:55 AM
The Alabama Department of Labor discovered a dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," the Department of Labor employee said to the farmer upon arriving at his dairy.
"Well, there's my farm hand who has been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board," the farmer explained. "Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one," the Department of Labor employee said.
"Oh, that would be me," the farmer replied.
03-25-2011, 11:49 AM
Back in the day....:distressed:
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said: "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
03-27-2011, 09:22 PM
The terrible news....:distressed:
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer says: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first," he says.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," his lawyer informs him.
"That's the bad news?" asks the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary!"
03-28-2011, 12:45 PM
The going rate....:evillaugh:
A Missouri farmer drives to a neighbor's house and knocks at the door. A boy, about nine, opens the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asks.
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town," the boy responds.
"Well, is your mother here?" the farmer asks.
"No sir, she went to town with dad," the boy says.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" the farmer asks.
"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy says.
The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asks. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one -- or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," the farmer says uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
03-28-2011, 04:10 PM
I don't know where they come from, but 99% of all these
jokes are all New to me !! :)
/Must get out more, I guess :D
03-29-2011, 11:57 AM
Only a matter of time....:sick:
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.
"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."
03-30-2011, 12:01 PM
Living the too good life....:distressed:
After being married for almost 60 years, an 85-year-old couple dies in a car crash. They had been in good health for the last decade, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food and exercising.
When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion, which is adorned with a beautiful kitchen, a master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they look around, the husband asks St. Peter how much all this is going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replies. "This is Heaven."
Next, they go out into the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course the house is located on. They will have daily golfing privileges, and each week the course changes to a new one based on the Earth's great golf courses. The husband asks: "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies: "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they go to the clubhouse and see the lavish buffet lunch where all the cuisines of the world are laid out. "How much to eat?" asks the husband.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replies, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the husband asks timidly.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replies. "You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man goes into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and the man's wife both try to calm him down. They ask him what's wrong.
The old man looks at his wife and says: "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
03-31-2011, 11:43 AM
If you purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
If you purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would now have $49 left.
But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of wine one year ago, drank it all and then turned in the bottles for the recycling refund, you would have $214 left.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
04-01-2011, 11:49 AM
Students in the psychology program at a state university were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the diligent student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas. "What about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan thought for a moment and replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy-up!'"
04-02-2011, 02:51 PM
Q: Have you heard about the brand new version of Playboy magazine exclusively for married men?
A: The centerfold is the same every month.
04-03-2011, 09:00 PM
Making it last....:exhausted:
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised: "It will be the longest six months of your life."
04-04-2011, 12:33 PM
The year is 2222, and a human couple are taking their first trip to Mars. While there, they meet two Martians and the four of them get talking. They discuss the differences between Earth and Martian politics, technology and society until finally the conversation turns to sex.
"Just how do you Martians do it?" asks the woman.
"Pretty much the way you do," respond the Martian couple.
After a few drinks, the four of them decide to try out a wife-swap and check into a Martian motel. The human woman and the Martian male disappear into the first available room, and he strips instantly to reveal his teeny, weenie penis, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," sighs the woman. "It's just not long enough."
"No problem," bleeps the Martian, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his penis grows another inch, until it's really quite impressive.
"That's definitely an improvement," says the woman. "But it's still pretty narrow."
Immediately, the Martian starts pulling his ears. With each tug, his penis widens until he measures up nicely.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman. "That's the biggest I've seen!"
And they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples meet up with their partners and go their separate ways.
"How was it for you?" the man asks his wife.
"I hate to say it," she replies, "but it was pretty mind-blowing. How about you?"
"Horrible," he replies. "She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
04-05-2011, 11:51 AM
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, Whatever you do, do not touch the garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
04-06-2011, 12:36 PM
Computers versus cars....:whistle:
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you'd now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8," boasts Gates. "And that's not all. It'd reach 10,000 mph, weigh just over 10kg, do 1,000 miles to the gallon and cost less than $50."
"Sure, Bill," shrugs the GM chairman. "But it would also crash four times a day."
04-07-2011, 11:55 AM
Sort of a miracle....:ban:
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What happened?" asks the priest.
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
04-08-2011, 11:54 AM
Before it starts....:distressed:
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It's started."
04-09-2011, 07:16 PM
Marriage and the remote....:distressed:
An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
04-10-2011, 01:39 PM
A true blow-out.....:ban:
There once was an old couple who had been married for 30 years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long-suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man said: "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
04-11-2011, 12:37 PM
Definitely a VIP....:evil:
Having just arrived at the airport, the Pope is running late for a meeting and orders his chauffeur to go faster.
Frustrated with the lack of progress, the Pope then switches places with his driver and takes the wheel. Their car is pulled over for speeding and the arresting officer radios in to the sergeant to find out what to do with such an important person.
His sergeant asks: "Just how important is he?"
"I don't know," replies the cop: "But he's got the Pope as his driver!"
04-12-2011, 11:37 AM
Getting into heaven....:whistle:
Saint Peter is manning his post at the Pearly Gates when a Texan wanders up.
"Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says: "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels -- I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says: "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says: "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter: "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look: "Well, I only made $5,000 in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter: "What instrument did you play?"
04-13-2011, 12:02 PM
A compatible match....:bingo:
A husband was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"
04-14-2011, 11:47 AM
A fairy tale ending....:evillaugh:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so!"
04-15-2011, 11:57 AM
Helping the punishment fit the crime....:evillaugh:
A feisty 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her: "What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied: "Six."
The judge then said: "All right, then I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
Sternly, the judge said: "What is it?"
The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas!"
04-16-2011, 04:58 PM
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Daniel's wife, refusing to give in to growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband: "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Daniel replies: "Judging from your skin, 20, your hair, 18, and your figure, 25."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushes: "That's so nice of you to say that!"
"Whoa, hold on there, sweetie," Daniel interrupts: "I haven't added them up yet!"
04-17-2011, 02:16 PM
What men say - what men mean....:bingo:
CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
"I have no idea how it works."
TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.
"Are you still talking?"
OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
"I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
I CAN'T FIND IT.
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
"What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.
"I make the messes; she cleans them up."
04-18-2011, 11:49 AM
A slight typo....:omg:
An Illinois man left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
04-18-2011, 07:45 PM
Only just read THIS page, but "Every One A Winner" ;) :D
04-19-2011, 12:00 PM
It's all in the accent....:distressed:
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said. "What is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
04-20-2011, 11:48 AM
Taking some samples....:ban:
A doting wife accompanies her elderly husband to the doctor for his yearly physical. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man: "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "What did he say? What does he want?"
His wife yells back: "He said he needs your underwear!"
04-21-2011, 11:40 AM
The talking dog....:puzzled:
In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house that reads: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says: "Well, I discovered my gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my ability, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says: "$10."
The guy says: "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies: "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
04-22-2011, 01:39 PM
It's more than just a name....:cry:
A New York family bought a ranch in Montana where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman: "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" one friend inquired.
"Well, you see.... so far, none have survived the branding," he replied.
04-23-2011, 02:22 PM
Being a bit too picky....:distressed:
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter: "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said: "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
04-24-2011, 02:06 PM
At a snail's pace....:distressed:
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for a group of friends. The wife was very excited and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some.
The man grudgingly took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself: "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. Soon after they started messing around and it got so hot and heavy that he passed out from exhaustion afterwards.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed: "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs, but was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. Just then the door opened and his very angry wife emerged, wondering where he'd been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
04-25-2011, 11:07 AM
Deep in the heart of Texas....:evillaugh:
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he boarded the plane, he felt the seats and said: "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered: "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar in a nearby hotel. Upon arriving at the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed: "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied: "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied: "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the hotel swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting: "Don't flush! Don't flush!"
04-26-2011, 11:48 AM
The city farmer....:distressed:
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.
"Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together!"
04-27-2011, 05:12 AM
Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriages?
Because they have experienced pain and purchased jewelry.
04-27-2011, 06:07 AM
One afternoon a professor of mathematics sent an e-mail to his wife that said, "Overall I am happy with you as a wife, but as a man I have certain needs, and given that you are 54 years old now, you are no longer able to satisfy those needs. Subsequently, I will be spending the evening with my 18 years old teaching assistant in a hotel room. I hope you understand, and that I still love you. I will be home by midnight."
In response to her husband, she sent an e-mail that said, "I received your e-mail and I understand. I too will be at a hotel tonight... with our 18 year old pool boy, and being that you are a brilliant mathematician, you will surely realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18, so please don't bother to wait up."
04-27-2011, 11:46 AM
How to bathe a cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog.....:evillaugh:
04-28-2011, 11:49 AM
What an ass....:distressed:
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame. He makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
04-29-2011, 12:22 PM
The new guy.....:evillaugh:
A notorious mafia boss is looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is “protecting.” Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He then gets greedy and decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that his collection is late and sends some of his hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoods drag the guy to an interpreter.
One of the hoods says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
04-30-2011, 04:55 PM
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Peter down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.
"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Grandma asked him.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," cried Peter: "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Peter. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt anyone. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Peter, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
05-01-2011, 01:39 PM
Bring the right color....XD
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"
05-02-2011, 12:28 PM
A last request....:evillaugh:
Patrick Murphy and Sean O'Brien, two Irishmen, grew up together and were lifelong friends. But Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy: "O'Brien, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."
Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneeled beside him.
"Seany, ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brien burst into tears: "Anything, Patrick. Anything ye wish."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones, and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brien was overcome with emotion, and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked: "Aye, 'tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, Patrick, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
05-03-2011, 12:02 PM
A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Okay, here's a check for $900," he said. "It's postdated six years from now."
05-04-2011, 12:23 PM
A deafening wife....:evillaugh:
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other: "Boy, was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"
The other guy signs: "When my wife goes off on me, I just don't listen."
"How do you do that?" asks the other.
"It's easy! I turn off the light!"
05-05-2011, 11:42 AM
And yet another blonde joke....:evillaugh:
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette mother goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead mother goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blonde mother's turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis!"
05-05-2011, 11:47 AM
Well, we've filled up yet another thread with jokes and humor. Rather than stop, though, let's keep the adult laughs coming (no pun intended) in:
"Funniest Adult Jokes - V. 5 (http://forum.scanlover.com/showthread.php?t=49474)"....:bingo:
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