Funniest Adult Jokes - V. 4.... - ScanLover Forum

Domino735 · 12-18-2009, 01:59 PM

Oh, you can never really get enough dirty jokes, can you? Since the previous thread is now full, let's continue with the nasty humor in "Funniest Adult Jokes - V. 4"......

Classic doctor joke....

A husband wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." The husband shrugs and rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "Uh, you don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Fallen Angel · 12-19-2009, 05:46 AM

TALKING ANIMALS

One day, while going through this routine,
he said, 'Hey there, John...', when to his
surprise, the horse turned around and
interrupted him!

It said,'For months now, you've walked in
here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy,
how's everything today? and I'm tired of it,
you never wait for an answer, and besides,
my name is Randy'.

And with that the horse took off running.

Shocked, the owner took off running after the
horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit
his dog joined in the chase. After a while,
the man stopped to rest at the side of the
road. He took out his hankerchief and wipe
his face as his dog, who had continued the
chase, came back also now breathless, sat down
beside him.

The man wondered aloud, 'I've never heard a
horse talked before'.

'Me neither', said the dog, gasping for air.

Fallen Angel · 12-19-2009, 05:51 AM

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

Domino735 · 12-19-2009, 04:36 PM

The final shave?....

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said: "I'll have a shave and a shoeshine."

The barber began to sharpen the old straight edge and lathered the cowboy's face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said: "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied: "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said: "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said: "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."

Domino735 · 12-20-2009, 04:18 PM

No excuses....

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smartass male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Fallen Angel · 12-20-2009, 06:22 PM

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God replies, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. the rear end wobbles too much, and

4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."

Fallen Angel · 12-20-2009, 06:24 PM

One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."

The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?"

His mom fainted.

Domino735 · 12-21-2009, 01:31 PM

How NOT to get a close shave....

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer: "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber: "Just pass it and bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Fallen Angel · 12-21-2009, 04:42 PM

A man and his wife were trying to have a baby, but after several months they still had no success. The man decided to go to the doctor to see what the problem was.

The doctor told him, "Maybe you have a low sperm count. I'll need to run a few tests, so take this cup. I'll need a semen sample."

The man took the cup, went to the restroom, and handled his business. Afterward, a lady walked into the office to find out if her baby (still in her womb) was healthy. She started talking to the doctor about how excited she was to be having her first child. While she was chatting, the man walked out of the restroom with his sample but saw the doctor with the lady, so he put the cup down on a table and started pacing back and fourth.

The doctor noticed this and told the lady, "I'll have your test results in a moment. Please have a seat while I finish with this patient. We have coffee and donuts along with some magazines on the table over there."

The lady sat down, and the man walked over to the doctor and started talking about how he and his wife trying to conceive.

While the man and the doctor were talking, the lady interrupted and asked, "Excuse me, but the donuts are dry, and I don't drink coffee. Do you have any more milk to go with them."

The doctor says, "Milk? We never had any milk here."

Fallen Angel · 12-21-2009, 04:43 PM

PSYCHOLOGY

'What's the usual tip?' the man growled when a
college boy delivered his pizza.

'Well', the student replied, 'this is my first delivery,
but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out
of you, I'll be doing great'.

'That's so?' granted the man. 'In that case, here's
five dollars'.

'Thanks' the student said, 'I'll put it in my student
fund'.

'By the way, what are you studying?', the man asked.

'Applied psychology'.

12-18-2009, 01:59 PM	#1
Domino735 Buckaroo Banzai Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Niagara Falls, New York Posts: 63,482 Thanks: 186,788 Thanked 490,880 Times in 63,337 Posts	Funniest Adult Jokes - V. 4.... Oh, you can never really get enough dirty jokes, can you? Since the previous thread is now full, let's continue with the nasty humor in "Funniest Adult Jokes - V. 4"...... Classic doctor joke.... A husband wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." The husband shrugs and rolls back over and starts to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "Uh, you don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" __________________

12-19-2009, 04:36 PM	#4
Domino735 Buckaroo Banzai Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Niagara Falls, New York Posts: 63,482 Thanks: 186,788 Thanked 490,880 Times in 63,337 Posts	The final shave?.... A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said: "I'll have a shave and a shoeshine." The barber began to sharpen the old straight edge and lathered the cowboy's face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said: "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied: "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that." The cowboy said: "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said: "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you." __________________

12-20-2009, 04:18 PM	#5
Domino735 Buckaroo Banzai Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Niagara Falls, New York Posts: 63,482 Thanks: 186,788 Thanked 490,880 Times in 63,337 Posts	No excuses.... A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smartass male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write." __________________

12-21-2009, 01:31 PM	#8
Domino735 Buckaroo Banzai Administrator Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Niagara Falls, New York Posts: 63,482 Thanks: 186,788 Thanked 490,880 Times in 63,337 Posts	How NOT to get a close shave.... A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer: "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech: "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber: "Just pass it and bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." __________________

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12-19-2009, 05:46 AM	#2
Fallen Angel Priest Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere between heaven and earth Posts: 388 Thanks: 38 Thanked 814 Times in 314 Posts	TALKING ANIMALS One day, while going through this routine, he said, 'Hey there, John...', when to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him! It said,'For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today? and I'm tired of it, you never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy'. And with that the horse took off running. Shocked, the owner took off running after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit his dog joined in the chase. After a while, the man stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out his hankerchief and wipe his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, sat down beside him. The man wondered aloud, 'I've never heard a horse talked before'. 'Me neither', said the dog, gasping for air.

12-19-2009, 05:51 AM	#3
Fallen Angel Priest Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere between heaven and earth Posts: 388 Thanks: 38 Thanked 814 Times in 314 Posts	Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

12-20-2009, 06:22 PM	#6
Fallen Angel Priest Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere between heaven and earth Posts: 388 Thanks: 38 Thanked 814 Times in 314 Posts	Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention (the assembly line for the automobile) changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God replies, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm...." Replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention that yours."

12-20-2009, 06:24 PM	#7
Fallen Angel Priest Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere between heaven and earth Posts: 388 Thanks: 38 Thanked 814 Times in 314 Posts	One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting." The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both cum. So, did I explain it right?" His mom fainted.

12-21-2009, 04:42 PM	#9
Fallen Angel Priest Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere between heaven and earth Posts: 388 Thanks: 38 Thanked 814 Times in 314 Posts	A man and his wife were trying to have a baby, but after several months they still had no success. The man decided to go to the doctor to see what the problem was. The doctor told him, "Maybe you have a low sperm count. I'll need to run a few tests, so take this cup. I'll need a semen sample." The man took the cup, went to the restroom, and handled his business. Afterward, a lady walked into the office to find out if her baby (still in her womb) was healthy. She started talking to the doctor about how excited she was to be having her first child. While she was chatting, the man walked out of the restroom with his sample but saw the doctor with the lady, so he put the cup down on a table and started pacing back and fourth. The doctor noticed this and told the lady, "I'll have your test results in a moment. Please have a seat while I finish with this patient. We have coffee and donuts along with some magazines on the table over there." The lady sat down, and the man walked over to the doctor and started talking about how he and his wife trying to conceive. While the man and the doctor were talking, the lady interrupted and asked, "Excuse me, but the donuts are dry, and I don't drink coffee. Do you have any more milk to go with them." The doctor says, "Milk? We never had any milk here."

12-21-2009, 04:43 PM	#10
Fallen Angel Priest Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Somewhere between heaven and earth Posts: 388 Thanks: 38 Thanked 814 Times in 314 Posts	PSYCHOLOGY 'What's the usual tip?' the man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza. 'Well', the student replied, 'this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great'. 'That's so?' granted the man. 'In that case, here's five dollars'. 'Thanks' the student said, 'I'll put it in my student fund'. 'By the way, what are you studying?', the man asked. 'Applied psychology'.